thomas leverett weblog

Locking down with teens

Somebody asked me how we did it - as they were going nuts with a single fifteen-year-old, and I decided that yes, it's one one of the hardest things I've done. We have ten; the last four are still home, and are teens and tweens. They have each other, but that's not much solace. They are unusual in a number of ways. But in being totally stifled by lockdown, they are completely normal.

Teens are at a point where they need to see and relate to other people, and they most prefer other teens who they are comfortable with. They cannot control their strong urges to go out and socialize. They also cannot control the fact that they basically believe they are invincible, and such things as dying from a disease are totally abstract to them. They don't really have the tools to understand.

That's why, when they do go out, there is great risk. They may have the best intentions, but they are still going to come less than six feet from people, and forget their mask, etc. They know how to tell you they'll wear that mask every time, but that's because that's what you want to hear. That gets them what they want,

They have to rely on us to know what's really dangerous. Much as they will try to get what they want and need, if it's really going to kill them, it's you who is supposed to know that and protect them. Much as they see themselves as grown up, they still rely on us for that. So the bottom line is, if you don't think it's safe, don't let it happen.

I see it all as a compromise, with all four of them. One is eighteen, and has his mother's anxiety: he doesn't want to go out, even to get groceries, Our problem with him is that a deep depression from total lack of contact will set in. We don't want that. As authorities we could lock them all down totally, no contact, don't leave the house, but they would all go nuts and so would we. What good is surviving if you've all gone nuts? Better to compromise with each, and get maximum safety, and some margin of sanity. Maximum safety is limited contact. As few contacts as possible, in as safe an environment as possible, preferably outside.

For the fifteen and fourteen year olds, that means trusting a few best friends. The fifteen year old is a boy, wants to be in town every minute, has a best friend, wants to be with him. We let him. We know there will be other people involved. We have landed in a very small town and we are hoping the people around will also share our values, and it turns out most of them do. We go over with him, six feet, masks, as few as possible (he would go into Allsup's every five minutes if he had the money), etc. So far we're free and clear.

The fourteen-year-old, a girl, lies like a fish. She also has a best friend and we believe that they are relatively safe. She is more in control of what she does, where she goes, how close she gets to people, that kind of stuff. But she wouldn't hesitate to tell us whatever we want to hear, or whatever gets her another day with her friend. As time went along parents got more and more nervous about sleepovers; we have been. And I make no guarantees to other parents. We are careful, yes. But we don't really know what kinds of danger our kids have been in. And one of them will infect all of us, because at home we are all sharing the same air.

The last one is twelve, a chronic hugger, totally physical and heartbroken by the whole mess. She stays at home and mopes a lot. Her best friend's dad just had a kidney replacement so there's no sleepovers there, no hope for getting what a teen needs so much. She is spending a lot of time on zoom with a niece who is about her age, and watching a lot of movies. But she's miserable, no question. Lockdown is like prison to her, and it will affect her strongly for the rest of her life.

Teens are so critical. They look at their family situation and can now compare it to others, find it wanting, verbalize their criticisms, see some other horizons. Sometimes I think our main job is to keep their hope alive; this is certainly true for our oldest (at home) and youngest. But keeping them alive comes first. What good is their hope if a brother or sister brings home the covid an we all go down? We are all lucky that we live out at the end of a mountain road, and that when they go for a walk, for example with the dog, there's nobody out there. The deer and elk don't have it. The mountain breeze is gentle, and when they come home, they're safe.

posted by tom @ 6:41 AM